dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
