possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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