I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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