my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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