We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
