i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
