he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
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She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
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Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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