im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
