your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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