I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
