It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
