woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
