Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
