I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
