If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
