She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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