I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
