I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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