Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
