I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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