i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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