I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
What a dumb baby whore.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
