ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
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I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
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Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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