so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
