we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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