I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
