Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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