Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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