I just made out with a guy for $7.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
