you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I think my moral compass just broke
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