I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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