I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
