we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
