wakey wakey hands off snakey
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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