Those balls look pretty dangerous.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
