if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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