I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i think i just lost a toe
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.