awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
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scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
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How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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