Already got asked if we're dating
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar