yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.