We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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