I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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