The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
