I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
