I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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