There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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