i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
