Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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