You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
