I think I won the penis lottery.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
