i think my tv is drunk
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
