Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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