I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
