Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
