I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
