my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
