I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
