Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
