I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
