apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
