i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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