I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize